Gallifrey Gazelle

Edited by Albert Grunge

Class 4G Snatch Hartnell

Escaped 'Dr Who' fans Class 4G have built a time machine and kidnapped William Hartnell from his dressing room moments before he was due to go on set for the pilot episode. They say he will only be returned if they are given unlimited sweeties. Scientists are working on a method to send DWM editor Gary Gillatt back to 1963 to negotiate as he is worshipped by Class 4G as the Video God. However there are signs that Pannininninii who publish DWM are anxious to distance themselves from the Class 4G situation. Their spokesman, Uncle Mike told us; "Hey, we love Gary Gillatt like a brother. We want him to do right by us. And if he don't, well, we'll have to help him out."
Meanwhile scientists are worried about the repercussions of Hartnell missing the pilot. Useless understudy William Hintnell was lined up to replace the star should he lose his way or succumb to the buns but as Hintnell was a Portuguese trawlerman it's likely his impact on the show would be serious. More on this story as it breaks.

Magister The Musical

Thousands of celebrities are expected to turn out for tomorrow's opening gala performance of 'Magister!', the new Lionel Bart musical about a horn-rimmed pastor and his attempts to find out what is beneath the barrow at Devil's End. Theatregoers and critics alike are extremely excited about the imminent premiere, with at least one prominent pundit speculating that songs like "Why Don't You Get Out of that Ridiculous Garb?", "BBC3 Blues" and "A Stone Gargoyle's Life For Me!" will soon be "as well-known as the National Anthem". Indeed, John Levene's rendition of "Not MORE Freak Weather Conditions!" will be released as a single on Monday, with advance orders already exceeding fourteen million. Before the show there will be a special press conference featuring Nicholas Courtney and Stephen Thorne dancing around the maypole, and Terrance Dicks will occupy the famous Royal Box during the first night.

JNT Quits!!!

JNT has sensationally quit as the producer of 'Dr Who'. He has reportedly been unhappy at his level of involvement in the programme, which has amounted to no episodes in nearly eleven years. He has admitted to close friends that he cannot continue to produce the series on a budget of no money, hence it is unlikely that the planned seven parter 'Menace of the Mops' will ever see the light of day. Meanwhile, JNT has been using his initials for so long that he is now no longer able to remember what they stand for. The BBC are currently denying rumours that they intend to send a lawyer back to 1963 to prevent Sydney Newman from creating the series. However, last week they did hold a press conference to announce the new series that they are not making. A spokesman said "we've thought about it and we really can't be bothered", adding "we're not doing any more "Bergerac" either".

Troughton in Secret Chippy Shock: On Set Fry-Up Shame

Fans of Patrick Troughton, the second 'Dr Who', have been stunned by revalations that the actor opened a chip shop during his tenure in the popular role. The facts came to light after Wendy Padbury let slip that "Pat adored chips" while being interviewed at a charity slug race. An insider told us "Pat would have a real fry-up, and sell chips to everyone on set, but he was always careful to put them away if Innes Lloyd appeared on his tricycle. He'd hide them in the stovepipe hat. Troughton's fans and supporters have been quick to challenge the allegations. Leading Troughton activist Victoria Duck told us "Well, I am gobsmacked mate. I have looked up to the Big T all my life, mate. Ever since I was knee high to a daisy, mate". Official 'Dr Who" Thingy Ian Bovine told us "the day I discover Patrick Troughton ran a chip shop is the day that I leave fandom". We approached the BBC for a statement, but found that they had laid a minefield and that staff were disguised as geraniums. More on this story as it fries.

Billy's Big Bash - Stupid Merchandise Planned

With the fortieth anniversary of William Hartnell putting on his socks looming close, the BBC have announced a range of commemorative items to mark this special event. Among the impressive items set for release are an embossed silk half-wig, an attractive terracotta Derek Martinus vase, a lifesize model frog that croaks the words "Doctor Who: The Hartnell Years", and a matching chequebook and cheque card ste featuring images of many of the First Doctor's deadly foes. Collectors should also keep an eye out for industrial bubble wrap featuring the First Doctor's image.

Dr Who Unplugged

MTV are to remake classic 'Dr Who' stories using no electricity. They will be set in darkness and virtually inaudible, but a spokesman said they would be "very atmospheric"

Live and in Black and White!

A new live video of William Hartnell performing at Wembley Stadium in 1965 has just been released. 'Hot Hartnell' catches the great crooner on top form singing some of his greatest hits, and includes guest appearances by John Lennon, Bob Dylan and Donald Tosh. The highlight is the Sensorite March, which Billy himself conducts. Meanwhile, his grand-daughter Jilly Hartnell has just finished a book about her famous grandfather, entitled "Bill's British Bull".

Fresh Letts Outrage

Following recent claims that he co-wrote 'Genesis of the Daleks', Barry Letts has stunned fandom by telling The Daily Mail that he was producer of the series between 1963 and 1989. He says that from a vantage point on top of a filing cabinet he would slip memos onto successive producers' desks, featuring ideas that they took credit for. "After years as a potted plant, I finally emerged to produce the show, but my craving for slug pellets finally drew me back to the soil". Among the many concepts he is now claiming are his are The Daleks, The Cybermen, Yartek Leader of the Alien Voord, Harrison Chase and Ace.

New Series Storm

Fox TV have broken new ground by issuing merchandise for a programme they haven't made yet. Executives say that they are "testing the market" with mugs, baseball caps, posters, toys and lava lamps based on the non-existent series "Angel Station". A spokesman told us that "if there is sufficient demand for the merchandise then some episodes may be made. You have to stay ahead of the game these days". The move follows Paramount's recent 'virtual episode guides' which provided complete synopses of a series that didn't exist, and managed to make a major television star of Hank de Fromage. This backfired however when Hank failed to turn up for press conferences on account of not being a real person.

Auton Shame of Fan, 24

A 'Dr Who' fan in Bury was arrested after he'd hidden in a clothing store all night. 24 year old civil servant Alan Tray was said by police to be "unusually obsessed" with the story 'Spearhead from Space', and had dressed as a shop window dummy during his escapade. The following morning he smashed his way out of the shop window and was later charged with criminal damage. Mr Tray refused to speak to our reporter, claiming that he must find the Swarm Leader.

Fury From The Deep Found

The lost story 'Fury from the Deep' has been sensationally found. Excited fans have been jamming the BBC switchboard after news broke that former leader of the rail union RMT Jimmy Knapp had discovered the original film cans while tending his privet hedge. On hearing of the find, vintage television expert Andrew Pixie exploded. Leading fan J Jeremy J J David J Jeremy J told us "it's like winning a million pounds on the pools, except I haven't won a million pounds". Meanwhile, fans are in for a double celebration following news that 'The Lion' has been returned to the BBC. The Lion escaped in 1968 across the courtyard of Broadcasting House, and amazingly managed to get to New Zealand where American fans Chip Cheeseburger, Jerome 'Junior' Tickertape, Dr Chuck Weisstein MD and Bob Seeger tracked it down and caught it using a large papier mache elephant. The Lion commented: "Rrrrarrrggghh".

Campaign Campaign

Dreamwatch magazine is launching a campaign against fandom to protest at the lack of any campaigns to protest at the lack of new episodes of "Doctor Who". Prominent fans will find their homes blockaded by wheelbarrows, and there will be a mass lobby and march to Jeremy Bentham's house. There will also be a sponsored potato leap to raise funds. A BBC spokesman hit us with a broom.

Mad McCoy In Sainsburys Shame

Sylvester McCoy still believes he is the Doctor according to a tabloid story published last week. 'The Daily Slur' carried an exclusive report having trailed McCoy around his local Sainsburys. They published pictures of him shouting at a radish. However his agent, Amelia Bonkers denies any truth in the story. She said; "The dear. I think he's marvellous. He was good as Dangerfield, you know. Er, What day is it?"
In the story, a reporter disguised as a cheese counter follows the actor as he approached a shop assistant with a carton of orange juice shouting "This goo! What's it for?"
McCoy fans are rallying round to protect their hero. One fan Andrew McCartmell said "He's just being dark."

Vorus, Leader of The Guardians

"Greetings city scum. Have you seen them? Quite possibly the most embarrassing joke since our so-called fastest skimmers. I'm talking, Magrik if you'll stop spluttering for two seconds, about the Star Trek Mastercard. Oh yes. You purchase something and when you come to pay for it, what do you pass over the counter? A plastic card with a picture of the Starship Enterprise on it. Ha! Even a picture of my skystriker, which it goes without saying is my glory, would be more suitable than a picture of a spaceship which doesn't even exist and you'll be too ashamed to enter the shop again. I bet Tyrum's got one of them though."

NEWS IN BRIEF...

Chris Carter has denied that 'The X-Files' is getting more violent despite the recent episode 'Sxhfyrdyysk' in which Scully has to get Mulder's severed head to a hospital before he dies...Ex 'Babylon 5' star Michael O'Hare was arrested for loitering after he stood staring at a building for three days; "I was trying to work out where the door was" said TV's Mr Dull...DWM are to launch their own range of merchandise including a Dave Owen Beer Crate, Gary Gillatt Orange Trousers and a range of stylish Panini violin cases...Carole Ann Ford's latest invention is a food mixer that can also be folded out into a golf course...Chris Evans has said that he never got on with Radio 1 controller Matthew Bannister; "He was a Pertwee fan" said avowed Troughton fanatic Evans... Paul Cornell's next 'Dr Who' novel has a working title of "Renovation of the Zoblins"... Former England manager Bobby Robson has made a scale model of the 'Silurians' set in his garage; he is reportedly renaming his house 'Chez Okdel'... October 5th has been declared National Voord Day in Armenia... Fans of the North West Local Group have been stunned by allegations that their Treasurer used the £1 entrance fee from their monthly meetings to secretly build a Hydroelectric Plant and dam in his back garden... Bernard Horsfall's 'Horsey on the Hoof' tour, to promote his new LP "Horsey's Biscuit", begins in April... 'Dr Who' fan Ian Hazard was featured in his local paper after exhibiting his collection of slugs named after Timelords at a Norwich library... 'Star Trek: Voyager' has been cancelled after TV chiefs realised that nothing had actually happened during the episodes shown so far... BBC2 have bought the hit NBC series "Security Lamb" for screening this winter; the show, about a lamb employed as a security guard by a research center, has topped ratings in the US with its blend of sci-fi, drama and mint... David Duchovy and Gillian Anderson have shocked "X Files" producers by asking to appear in no episodes next season so they can pursue their film careers. Both say they have no plans to leave the series... Leonard Nimoy's Spock ears have written a book in which they reveal that they never got on with the actor who wore them... Scientist Dr Victor Hinge has claimed that the Easter Island statues are actually chess pieces used by Azal, last of the Daemons...

New Books Coming soon: "Classic Who The Goronwy Year", "The Making of A Fix With The Sontarans", "Classic Who The Wood Panelled Secondary Console Room Years", and Mark Harris' latest offering "Build the Occuloid Tracker"

SPOT THE VOORD!

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PERSONAL ADS

Signed Sand Beast Photos; limited edition at £3 each. Ted Spanner, Box 65.
Davison fan collects celery and bits of straw like in 'The Visitation'. Nobody understands me. Nigel, Box 70.
Staffordshire local group seeks new members. Every Saturday we summon the Fendahl, every Wednesday Azal and once a month Mandragora (though we tell our mums it's Demnos). Sargis Box 87.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

More fascinating facts compiled by Dominic Tray

The rarest type of Antelope is called a Dynatrope
Wendy Padbury can spin on the spot unaided by mechanical devices
Photographs of Sylvester McCoy are banned in the Shetland Isles
William Hartnell's first film was so bad that he personally destroyed every copy
One of the directors of Aston Villa Football Club is called Martin Yartek
Caroline John auditioned to play both Alessi Sisters in "Neighbours"
The next Tin Tin Out single will feature John Woodnutt
In Wigan there's a statue of a Mechanoid
Sharon Stone's favourite record is "Doctor Who and the Pescatons"
A range of cuddly "Nucleus of the Swarm" toys will his the stores this Christmas
Pip Baker refuses to board red buses
In 1975 a pilot script called "Vorus of the Bailey" was commissioned

EVENTS DIARY

The 'Green Death' Society meets every month in the Village hall of Llanyodd. We enjoy making Giant Fly models and having singalongs of BOSS' episode 5 and 6 tunes. New members are welcome.
Issue 102 of the acclaimed fanzine "Dog Dog Dog" is now available and includes an interview with Morris Barry's dog, a handy K9 anecdote chart and an hilarious account of a day with the stuffed cat from 'Survival'.
David H Jowe, well known author of various 'Dr Who' books, will be giving a talk on High Priests at Hendon Library on March 20th from 7pm. Using slides and robes he'll be tracing the history of High Priests in the series from Autloc to Hepesh and beyond. There will also be an interactive Tlotoxl website. Jowe will also be addressing the thorny question of whether the Exxilon High Priest counts or is just silly.