The UNIT Family
In the first new episode of The UNIT Family for six years, we open with a view of the planet Earth. The camera zooms in on the world, then Europe, then Britain, then an unnamed city which may or may not be Cardiff but let’s face it, it is Cardiff isn’t it…
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Jo Grant looks up from washing lentils in the sink
Jo: Doctor, look – a television camera has crashed into the asparagus hill
Brig (quietly to himself): Thank goodness!
The Doctor emerges from the TARDIS sweeping his cape about melodramatically.
Dr: Good grief, Brigadier, you should have called me earlier. The human race could be facing catastrophe!
Jo (giggling): I don’t think an apostrophe’s going to do much harm Doctor
Dr: Jo, you ham fisted lentil wrangler! Aliens have landed in the garden- it could be Sontarans or those globby Axons. Stay here; I’ll have a look.
Brig: Steady on old chap, you can’t just go out there.
Dr: Nonsense Alastair, I’m sure your army of six non speaking soldiers will be right behind me.
Jo (patiently): Doctor, I think what the Brig means is that we have to have a tone meeting first.
Dr (annoyed): Now look here Brigadier, I’m not sitting through one of those interminable things again. Last time the aliens had gone home by the time we decided what colour your jeep’s car seat covers should be. And I didn’t get the slightest opportunity to faff about with test tubes!
Brig: I’m sorry Doctor, but I must insist; its’ the way things are done these days. The fact is we’re not needed as much now.
Dr: Don’t be obtuse man; aliens are landing all the time. There’s even a television show called `Aliens Are Landing All The Time`
Capt Yates (watching tv): Yeah but Doc they usually just appear on reality shows now. We’ve been watching BBC3 for ages but now everyone can receive it.
Sgt Osgood (under the table covered in glowing green webbing): There are lots of people around to defeat aliens now, it’s become a growth market.
Dr: Yes, well I still feel I should investigate; wait here everybody
He looks as if he’s expecting disagreement but everyone simply mumbles their assent and he stomps outside.
In the garden, he examines a lupin with his sonic screwdriver and then pretends to hide behind it as someone approaches. At the last moment, he leaps out shouting “Hai!”
The Master: Oh, hi
Dr: Jehosphat it’s you! I should have known you’d be behind this
Master: Believe me Doctor it’s nothing to do with me. To tell the truth I was rather bored so thought I’d investigate
Dr: Surely you’re in the middle of some dastardly scheme; I bet that’s a mask you’re wearing
He tugs at the Master’s beard
Master: Oww! Calm you dandy temper!
Dr: Sorry old chap but I had to be sure. So you really are telling the truth this time?
Master; Of course I am. I’m out of work, there’s another Master now, he’s much younger to appeal to that critical eighteen to thirty demographic. How can I compete with that?
Dr (rubbing the back of his neck): Yes, well I know what you mean. I get to the scene of an invasion and the place is full of infernal news reporters interviewing the monsters!
Master; Doctor; I propose an alliance; we should work together to find…some work
Dr: Jumping jehosophat! Work with you? Never!
Master: Why not Doctor, you know we always end up together by episode six
Dr, Mmm, I wonder why that is?
Master (stroking the Doctor’s velvet jacket) Well I always did love your smooth clothes
Dr: I hope this isn’t some secret gay agenda?
Master (quickly pulling his hand away): No of course not.
Dr: Anyway, I think your right; we need to try something new. My TARDIS?
Master; Yes, mine fell apart when the blue tac dried out
They wander back into the house, past an astonished Brigadier and his staff. Jo drops a bowl of lentils on Sgt Osgood. Amazingly they melt the green web.
Sgt Osgood: Jeepers! I’m free after eight years. Yikes! Doesn’t that bloke look like The Master?
Brig: No, no he doesn’t. I saw The Master on BBC3 last week and he looked just like Alastair Sim.
The Doctor and Master disappear into the TARDIS which dematerialises.
2 months later Jo and Mike are on their way back from McGroovies Nightclub and spot a chip shop
Jo: Ooo; do you fancy some chips?
Mike: No buttercup, I fancy you
They enter the chip shop which has metallic walls and an unfeasably enormous fryer covered in flashing lights. Jo rings the bell on the counter and the sound of a tolling church bell rings out.
The Doctor emerges wearing a smock and hat; both of which are made of purple velvet. Jo and Mike can only point, open mouthed.
Dr; Good evening Jo, Mike; you know disco dancing is banned in chip shops after eleven?
Jo: Doc, I don’t understand; you gave up fighting monsters to open a chip shop?
Dr: Yes my dear and a splendid time I’m having. Do you want some chips?
Jo: Only if they’re fat free, organic, potato free and weightless…
Mike: I’d love a sausage!
Dr: Yes, I’m not surprised. (shouts to back) Master- one sausage and chips!
Master’s voice (singing): As thy meal so fried it be!
There is the sound of fire and fury and a distinct smell of sulphur
Dr: Yes, well I’m afraid they might be a little overdone
Jo : We could all go back to the house for some pine needle lasagne…
Dr (rubbing the back of his neck); Yes, under the circumstances that might be a good idea.
They quickly leave. Moments later The Master dressed in an all black smock and hat emerges carrying a smoking lump of rock.
Master (shouts): Sausage and chips!
A Kraag enters
Kraag: Mmm that looks delicious…
Master: I am finally in business. You will obey your hunger!
Seeing as nobody's invading Earth this month, the Doctor is cooking the tea. He's stirring a large vat of Scotch broth with a test tube while singing nonsensical Venusian lullabies. The parrot has it's back turned and a personal stereo on and Sgt Benton is sulking in a chair. The Brigadier and Capt Yates arrive, tired after a day's work.
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DR: I say Lethbridge-Stewart, you look famished. I've cooked up quite a broth for you.
BRIG: Good thing, Doctor. It's been a very busy...Sergeant what are you doing?
BENTON: (petulantly) He won't let me play any music but I've got to listen to his singing. It's not fair!
YATES: Come on, Benty, don't fret.
BRIG: Good grief; you're a soldier. Stand to attention at once!
(Benton runs upstairs crying like a girl).
DR: Honestly, Lethbridge Stewart, you really have no idea. See some sense man. I'll go and talk to him; you two keep an eye on the broth.
(The Doctor puts on his cape dramatically and heads for the TARDIS)
YATES: Where ya going Doc?
DR: Don't be obtuse man; I'm going to see Benton.
BRIG: (clears throat) Erm your TARDIS isn't working Doctor. I'm afraid you're going to have to use the stairs.
(He marches up the stairs still swishing his cloak. The other two approach the pot which is making slurping noises and bubbling furiously. The Brig puts his baton into the broth and when he pulls it out, the end is charred.)
BRIG: Great heavens! Ten rounds rapid I think Captain. Let's go to the pub.
(They leave just as Jo is entering)
JO: Oh won't you stay for some dried lentils?
BRIG: No, no we won't.
(Shaking their heads, they leave. Jo approaches the pot.)
PARROT: Throw it away, throw it away.
JO; Good idea, Mr Parrot.
(She heaves the pot and tips it out of the kitchen window)
THE POACHER: Aaaaaarrrgghhh. Mind yer food flinging girlie!
JO: Ooops, sorry.
(The Doctor appears with a shamefaced Benton in tow)
DR: Jo, you hamfisted bap wrangler; you've ruined my broth.
JO: Doctor, I've told you before. You need to eat proper food.
(The doorbell rings. The Doctor answers it)
DRACONIAN: Half Mask Foodz. Need any chutney?
DR: Mmm, just the thing don't you think Jo? Jo?
(He turns round but the room is empty. A tumbleweed blows across the table)
DR: Good grief. She must be a prisoner of The Master; I'll have to go and rescue her.
(He swishes theatrically out of the door. Sgt Osgood appears from under the table and does a jig)
OSGOOD: Let the chutney party begin!